XII

Hey God. I remember that I could never be evangelical like everyone else. When I was ten, I was POSITIVE that I was going to hell for wearing baggy hip-hop pants and for not having a heart that was to your liking. Time went by, and I became a fornicator and a liar, dishonoring my father and my mother (and my punishment: I wouldn't have a long life upon Earth, I wouldn't have a good life). But at age 16 I became closer to you like everyone else became closer to you. I did Daniel's fast (beans and vegetables) and I really did it seriously, because I felt close to you and I was proto-anorexic. I remember that we would go to the hill to pray, and Ms. P would tell me that my heart was getting prettier, as pretty as my sister's, and I felt then that we were doing your will, being in your holiness. During that time I was sad and skinny like I never was again in my whole fucking life, I cried all day and felt like the ugliest girl in Shile (subconsciously, unfuckable, GOD will you explain that contradiction to me...how so mystical and carnal?), I would wake up at dawn and start crying and I wasn't afraid of death, I would ask you to take me to heaven with you; I KNEW that you would. Then the fast ended and everything went to shit. I was close to you for only 21 days. I remember that when I finished fasting, the first thing I did was to eat chocolate eggs and feel like shit because SOMETHING had broken with you. But when everything truly ended was when I called my ex-ex-ex-boyfriend, whom my parents didn't allow me to call because we could possibly arrange a fornication date. But I called him, and I knew that I wasn't honoring my father or my mother and that I was growing apart from you. I called him and I didn't arrange for any dates because by then I didn't even like the guy. I called him just to fuck around with you, I guess. I called him because maybe it was in Satan's plan that I call him and stray away from your Kingdom. And I did stray away. And my sister also strayed away. And our hearts were not pretty, neither did they want to be. I tried to revive you for the last time during senior year (when I wasn't going to evangelical school anymore) but it didn't work. It's that I just didn't have the strength or the conviction anymore.